John Sunderland

The curated works of the author & artist

The Plank, Journal entry 4. From UAP Headquarters

From UAP Headquarters, New York


Dear Plankers,

Once again I must apologize for the break in communications but the whole

Committee was taken up into a spacecraft where we had extensive experiments carried out on us by extra-terrestrials.

I didn’t mind because whatever they did cleared my tinnitus in my left ear, unfortunately it seems to have shifted to my right ear now.


However, down to business;

Derek Bateman from Kent

sent us this message. If you would like to connect with Derek

please let us know here at UAP Headquarter




I never used to ramble on I used to make sense in small sharp little sentences like

please pass the salt but now it seems I’m a rambler not the kind that rambles in the countryside along paths newly discovered with a friend and perhaps a dog but no not those sort of rambles in the brambles I mean at least when I ramble on I know that I’m still alive because I can hear myself speaking but what if that’s not me and I’m listening that’s a concern out of body remote rambling apparently it puts people off when you just ramble on I don’t know why it should because I think it’s exciting you never know when the rambler rambling on might say something exciting or interesting like the best rhubarb in the world is grown in the eastern part of the west riding of Yorkshire did you know that I did I know this too centigrade is very difficult to convert to farenheit in your head but as for me that’s probably because

I could never do numbers sums I could do but numbers when multiplied or divided become a little less easy not that I don’t practice here’s a difficult one twelve times nine fifty six that’s right isn’t it and here’s another seventeen divided by four oh my Lord that’s a difficult one I might have to stay up all night with that one problems they are generally satisfying though don’t you think if you have four keys to four locks but you don’t know which is for which how many tries will it take you to pick

all the correct keys for the right locks I worked that out the answer is five million nine hundred and thirty three thousand two hundred and twenty three but that’s with thick gloves on in the dark now if you had a trained chimpanzee with you that had been trained over a long period and given rewards like pieces of banana I like bananas too but even though I eat a bunch a week it doesn’t help with doing sums

I like plums too they don’t help with anything at all once in fact I lost one under a sofa the sofa was just the right height for a plum to disappear under it went soft under there all on it’s own and wasn’t missed all that was found months later was a stain a dried outer skin and a plum stone, that’s the seed do you know you can grow things from fruit and plant seeds I like growing plants avocados actually from their stones I have one now that I have had for over a year it is three feet tall and has

seventeen leaves it’s name is Avi and it told me that it would prefer to be outside rather than on the window ledge if you have a place for it in a warm and sunny corner would you let me know I would be happy to bring it round and perhaps we could have a chat just you and me not Avi he only talks to me.


UAP Headquarters,

New York



From the Director

Well after our unplanned break amongst the moons of Pluto

Derek Bateman who only recently posted his message to us

has aroused some interest amongst fellow Plankers


This from Jean Weatherspoon

Didley Farm


New Hampshire USA



Dear Derek I know what you mean about the rambling rambler there’s so much to think about isn’t there and so much to talk about and think about again and again I go over things a lot in my head and when I’m alone I say them out loud as well I find that if you say a thing over and over again that they either make more sense or less like this Dereck Bateman is from England I’ve never been to England actually I’ve never been out of the State I watch other places on television and I saw Mary Poppins and it looks nice in little ole England but that ‘s the films isn’t it it could be not very nice but Derek Bateman you sound nice I wonder if you are I wonder if you wear a tie I like men who wear ties and other things too and gloves not in summer but here on the mountain it gets cold especially at night I don’t mind the dark though I could find my way to the kitchen if I had a bucket on my head which I do have sometimes as Mom makes me wear it I don’t mind but it’s not easy to whistle with a bucket on your head or drink from a saucer have you got a girlfriend Derek Bateman I bet you have and she lives not far away and you see her a lot I wonder if she’s old when is old anyway



Thanks Jean, anyone like to comment?

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